Diary of a Crazy White Chick

I trade web sites for paychecks and I’m sick of my job. The first two years were great. We had an excellent superintendent and a great Board of Education. Now they’re both problematic. Our Board is completely dysfunctional and deluded, and our Superintendent, who I really like as a person, hasn’t seemed to step up to the plate in his new position.

First, at the begining of the year, one of the Board Members decides we need to improve communications. That was the first kick to the teeth. My partner and I have literally worked our asses off the previous two years cutting our budgets in half, producing many new initiatives and empowering many staff members to be included in the communications effort. This Board Member didn’t get voted back in, but before he went, he decided to create a citizen’s advisory board to deal with the problems in communicating. Each person in the room was a moron - they had no clue how school districts work, and what, by law and union contracts, are capable of being implemented. In the first meeting, I told them what we needed: internal relations (getting staff to contribute more content) and the need for additional staff, neither of which was dealt with at all.

I stopped going to the meetings after the first few, but my poor partner who handles the print side was stuck going to weekly meetings with these jerks from April to late October. I am so glad that’s over. We still have to deal with the aftermath, which I’m completely ignoring.

I spent 28 hours over the weekend designing and implementing a new initiative and had it ready on Monday, waiting for content. Then two of the Asst. Supt.’s decide they dont like the colours, so I have to completely redo and since my PSD file was on my home computer, I had to change all the individual slices, which took all day. On Tuesday, the Assistant Superintendent for Human Resources ripped me a new one in front of my nemesis (the IT cowboy) because the phone numbers have not been updated. She has absolutely no clue what I do. No one does. The nasty emails I get from the community, the administrators, expecting immediate attention is just fuckin bullshit. No one knows how hard I work, no one seems to understand everything I do for this district as a department of one. I hate this. Then today, they decided to change the title of the initiative, so I have to back to my original PSD file, redo the colour, and then change the content.

I have won numerous awards for the District’s web sites, and presented at a state and national conference which were very well received. I’m one of the best at what I do. I don’t need this shit, especially at the miserable pay I get. From now on, they’re getting 40 hours, no more, no less.

I need to find a new job. I want to move back to Chicago to be closer to my friends. I’m so lonely here, but Will’s doing well at school. So, I’m out here looking for another opportunity… wish me luck.

I got a letter yesterday from the Archdiocese of Arlington VA. My ex-husband wants to anull our marriage that ended ten years ago. After all these years, he decides to traumatize me all over  again.  That bastard. I’m still barely holding it together and now, the only man who ever made a commitment to me…the only one in 44 years of my life, says he never loved me. How hurtful is that?

Why am  I not commitment material? Why am I so unlovable? I’m bright, strong, look much younger than my age…I’m  honest, loyal, funny, and have never cheated on any person I have been with. I just want to be loved and love someone back. I have filled my life with a son, a rescued greyhound and a siamese cat. I want love. I yearn for that one person who has to be out there. They just have to be. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.

My ex  was very upset that i had a baby during our separation and I have raised a great kid. When he told me his second wife was having a baby, I asked him why he didn’t want to have children with me, and he said, "Because I think Nicole will make a better mother." WELL. I’ve proved him wrong, not only is my son gorgeous, intelligent, empathetic and charming, the picture he showed me of his son… well, let’s say I’ve seen monkeys more attractive.  I’m actually glad I didn’t have kids with him. He makes ugly kids.

He’s a terrible father.  After he left his puppy in a closed up truck on a summer day while he was scoring junk, the dog died. Wisely, his second wife packed up the kid and left him. At that point he discussed how to hide his money to avoid paying child support with the accountant we still both used at the time. Even the accountant was disgusted with his no sense of responsibility. And he’s the Catholic.

I’m contesting the annulment. That marriage existed. It was a great part of my life and my worst. Sure there were bad times, but some of the best times of my life happened as part of being partners with someone who had the same goals in life. I taught him how to dress, cut his hair, improve his speech to disguise his thick Boston accent, act in a better class of people, basically taking the lower middle class out of him. I thought I’d be married forever. I never in a million years thought he would leave ME. He married up.

Oh well. I’m taking a bit  of time off to deal with this. I have to use up four weeks of vacation before July 1st anyway… Wish m well.

This is my attempt at a blog. Bear with me.  So, I met this guy on match.com, an ex-marine who has traveled  the world and is now working as a stock broker kind of thing.  I really like him ‘cuz he’s real sexy. Not handsome in the traditional sense, but he’s handsome to me. I’ve been seeing  him for  a week and it’s been  really nice to feel cared for and wanted. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this  way.

Okay. The reason I started this blog is to document my life. I don’t know how you feel, but I want to have something about myself available to those who want to know me. Once you’re dead and gone, you only live on in the memories of people who knew you, and I’m not satisfied with that.

I love my friends. You can’t pick your family, but you do pick your friends. Marya is a beautiful and intelligent woman who is my only female friend. I just love spending time with her because she is so creative and funny. The issues she stands for, her ideas for projects, her volunteer activities - she’s so artistically and spiritually attractive to me. I knew within 30 seconds of meeting her that we had a connection. Her husband and kids are amazing as well. I feel blessed to have met her and that she calls me a friend.

Bob, my hot librarian friend, is the funniest man I know. He’s bright and vivacious and debates well. He is a good match for me when discussing life and its questions.  We have a pact to commit to each other if we’re both still single five years from now. I said ten, but he said five. He so deserves to be loved by an amazing woman - it’s heartbreaking to know how much he yearns for someone to love that loves him back. He is great. He’s my drinking buddy and we have tons o’ fun whenever we get the chance to do a pub crawl.

My other great friend is Lee. He’s like my big brother, advising me on all sorts of things, like my finances, social skills… He loves me and welcomed Will and I into his family. I can’t even begin to describe how grateful I am to have met him at Lycos. That hell that I went through was worth it, because he completely changed my life. I now have a stable life which is something I haven’t had since I was married. I am no longer twirling and twisting in the wind, destroying myself in the process. His partner is David, and he is a very interesting southern gentleman with a gift for chatting, something I’ve never had. it is always so pleasant to spend time with them.

The only thing - I want to spend more time with them all. These are my only friends and I have enough trouble maintaining these relationships.  I’m not good at maintaining anything.

The best thing in this world to me is my son, Will. He is the most amazing person I know. I can’t believe he’s made from me. How did I get so lucky to have him in my life? He’s bright and empathetic, artistic and handsome, tall and funnny..

That’s enough for now. I’ll write again soon.